


By Your Side

by Joanne_Lupin



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: Alternate Universe - Hospital, Drug Addiction, F/F, Heroin, Hospitalization, Triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-08
Updated: 2013-08-07
Packaged: 2017-12-20 18:32:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 7,056
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/890486
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Joanne_Lupin/pseuds/Joanne_Lupin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tara Maclay wasn't even supposed to be on the Emergency floor of the hospital that night... Tara is a rehab nurse. Willow is a heroin addict who comes in with an overdose and is admitted to the hospital's rehab clinic. Romance-y things happen.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Tara Maclay wasn't even supposed to be on the Emergency floor of the hospital that night. She usually worked in the rehab facility, two floors up, but she was covering for a friend, a fellow nurse whose family had flown in from England that afternoon. He'd be back the next day, but he'd wanted to spend one evening with them. Tara had stepped up- she loved working where she did, but sometimes she wondered what the excitement and constant flow of emergency care was like.

She was chatting with another nurse when a man and a woman burst in. The man was carrying a bundle in his arms. Red hair peeked out from under the cloth. "Please, someone, help!" the man called. Right away, Tara and the other nurse, along with a few others, sprang into action. They carefully placed the bundle on a stretcher and started checking vitals.

"She- she's blue. Barely breathing. She said- she said she would stop; she'd been clean for a few days, b-but then we couldn't reach her and we found- we found her-" The woman broke down into tears. Tara placed a comforting hand on her shoulder.

"It's okay, ma'am. Can you and your friend tell me some things?"

"We can, sure. C'mon, Buff." The man wrapped an arm around his trembling friend and supported her as they followed Tara to a more quiet area. They sat down.

"Okay, first off, what are your names?"

"I'm Xander," the man said, "and this is Buffy."

"Okay. And your friend?"

"Willow. Willow Rosenberg."

"Do you know why she passed out?"

"We think it was, um, a heroin overdose."

Tara noticed that Xander seemed calmer than Buffy, who was crying terribly hard. "Buffy, would you like to go sit down somewhere else?"

"No, no, p-please, I need to b-be here f-f-for Willow."

"Okay…" Tara frowned slightly. "How long has your friend been using?"

"Off and on for, god, longer than we probably know," Xander replied. "We noticed the track marks maybe… three years ago?"

"How old is she?"

"Twenty-five."

"Weight?"

"I dunno, maybe ninety pounds?"

The questions went on for a while. Once she was certain she'd gotten all the medical information she could, she sent Xander and Buffy to the lobby and went in to relate the information to the others.

When she arrived, Willow was stable, but still unconscious. She was hooked up to all sorts of monitors and machines. Tara looked at her. She was very pretty, certainly, despite the pale, dirty skin and greasy hair. And she was tiny. Her bones were clearly visible. She was just like many other heroin addicts Tara had seen in her work, but there was something that sparked her interest. She couldn't put a finger on it, but it was definitely there.

Dr. Osbourne tapped Tara on the shoulder. She hadn't seen him there. Sighing, she shook her head to clear it. "Nurse, I don't think we'll need you in here. You're free to go."

Tara nodded. Whatever hold the patient had on her was pushed to the back of her mind.

It was only later that night, when she was back at home and nearly asleep, that she remembered that heroin addicts go to rehab centers. She worked in a rehab center. Not only that, but she did the regular vitals and meds for patients K through S.

She realized that she probably hadn't seen the last of Willow Rosenberg…


	2. Chapter 2

"Tara, you have a new patient," said Cordelia, the head nurse on the floor.

"I know. I saw her come in." Tara took the file she'd helped fill out the night before. "What're her meds?"

"Just some symptom-relievers. Advil, Dramamine, that sort of stuff. She asked not to be put on anything stronger than that, though."

"Weird."

Cordelia smiled to herself and turned back to her files. "Yeah. I betcha she'll be changing her tune when she hasn't slept for days…"

"Yeah… Yeah, I bet she will…" Tara frowned. Usually, she separated herself from the pain she witnessed at work every day. That was the thing about work like hers: if you let it, it got to you. This time, however, when she pictured Willow sick and wracked with pain, something twisted in her stomach.

Tara shook herself. It was probably nothing, she reasoned. She probably just thought the girl was cute or something. _Be professional, Tara. You have a little crush, that's it._

As Tara prepared her patients' morning doses of medicine, and later, as she doled out the pills to and checked vitals for A. Kane through V. Ropp, she went about her business as usual. When she approached W. Rosenberg's room, however, the twisting feeling returned. She pasted on a smile and opened the door, expecting Willow to be too ill to do anything but lie still. What she found further cemented the patient in the nurse's mind.

"Oh, hi! You must be my nurse," said a cheerful- if shaky- Willow Rosenberg. She sat cross-legged on her bed and had a pile handmade paper creations growing next to her. Tara could get a much better look at her now. Her hair was chopped messily and stuck up in random cowlicks. Her eyes were green strangely bright for an addict. If it wasn't for the track marks on her arms and the way her skin stretched unhealthily over her bones, no one could've been able to tell that she was an addict. "I asked for scissors, but the ones they gave me couldn't cut butter, so I had to- 'scuse me-" Willow paused to throw up into a trash can placed conveniently next to her perch. Then she wiped her mouth and sat up. "Sorry. It's the whole, uh, withdrawal-ey thingy. Been there." She shrugged. "Anyways, I just had to make the decorations the old fashioned way. Except now I don't know how to put them up. Oh well!" She returned to her work.

"I, uh, th-think I might be able to get you some t-tape or, or something." Tara was taken aback by her stuttering. She hadn't stuttered for ages. _It's just your crush._ Indeed, the girl's unexpected behavior had swept her even more off her feet. "R-right now, though, I have meds."

Willow made a move to get up, but Tara quickly motioned for her to sit back down. "It's okay. You really shouldn't be moving too much in your condition. I'll give it to you." Tara poured a cup of water and brought it to Willow, along with her meds. "I'm Nurse Maclay, by the way."

Willow let out a delicate laugh. "That rhymes!" She carefully examined the pills. "Nothing too strong, right? I wanna go cold turkey." Even then, she was smiling.

"Yeah, it's j-just some standard over-the-counter s-stuff, but Miss R-rosenberg-"

"Willow. Please."

"O-okay. Willow, I've seen this s-stuff before. With h-heroin withdrawal, especially d-during the f-first few days, you're gonna w-want something-"

Willow shook her head- the first time in their entire conversation when she'd been anything but smiling. "I can't."

Tara nodded, watched Willow take the meds, checked under her tongue, took her vitals, and moved on with her rounds, the rest of which were uneventful.

"Hey, Cordi, the new patient, W- er, Rosenberg, wants some tape. She's been making decorations for her room."

Cordelia thought for a moment. "Does she seem like she'd do something with it?"

"No. Actually, she seems pretty chipper."

"…Okay. Just make sure you supervise her."

Tara smiled. Helping patients with stuff like this always cheered her up, but aiding this particular patient made her especially happy. But when she entered Willow's room, she found the patient shaking violently and vomiting into her trash can.

"Oh-" Tara rushed to Willow's side and rubbed her back in small, gentle circles. "It's okay, W-willow, it's okay. G-get it all out." When she was done, the girl gasped and wiped her mouth. Tara pulled some gum out of the pocket of her scrubs. "Here. I a-a-always c-carry some with m-me."

"Thanks," Willow said breathlessly.

"I b-brought tape."

"Oh, hey. Thank you." She made to get up, but she was shaking too much to be steady on her feet.

"I'll help. H-here." Tara pulled the girl up and supported her by wrapping an arm around her waist. Walking around the room in this manner, the nurse helped Willow tape stars, flowers, snowflakes, and other whimsical decorations to every corner of the small room. They occasionally had to stop so that the Willow could vomit, but after a while, the medicine the girl had taken in the morning seemed to kick in. As they decorated, Willow questioned Tara. She managed to learn all about her nurse.

Tara told Willow things she hadn't told anyone. She told her about how her parents kept her locked up in her house. (Their house had been broken into once, and the family became terrified of the outside world ever since.) She told her about her friendless years in high school and college. She told her about the CPR class that first made her want to be a nurse, and the work at the homeless shelter that pointed her towards working in rehab. She told her about funny things, about happy things, about sad things, about things that kept her up at night. All the while, Willow listened as if there would be a test on all things Tara later.

"Oh, c-crap, look at the t-time!" Tara exclaimed suddenly. They'd sat on Willow's bed after the decorating, still talking. "I n-need t-to go get-"

"Oh. Job. You. Work. Hospital. Yeah."

"I'd l-love to-"

"Oh, no, I understand completely. Go do work- I mean, I don't want you to loose your job or anything!"

"S-see you, Willow."

"Bye!"

Tara seemed to float through the distribution of midday meds. She could clearly see the image of Willow's interested face. No one had ever paid that kind of attention to her before. It made her feel warm inside.

When Tara reached Willow's room, her smile was genuine, excited. "Hey, W-willow!"

"Hi!"

Uneventful though the meeting was, it gave Tara's spirit a boost that lasted all the way through the afternoon. Evening meds went similarly.

Tara had high hopes for Willow. The girl seemed committed to getting better. The process was obviously taking a physical toll on her, but mentally, she seemed strong enough to get out soon- maybe within the week. And Willow getting out meant…

_…what?_

That was a bridge that, Tara decided, would be crossed when it was time to be crossed.


	3. Chapter 3

Tara's phone woke her up at 2:36. She was puzzled. It wasn't her night to be on call, and she couldn't think of anyone outside of the hospital who would be trying to reach her. She picked up the phone. "Hello?"

"Tara? Hey, it's Anya." Anya was the head nurse on the night shift. "The new chick, Rosenberg, is having a- a panic attack or something. It's really bad. She keeps asking for you. I wouldn't call, but she's in bad shape."

"Oh, um, I can come in, it's okay."

"Great. Thanks so much. Come as soon as you can, okay?"

"Okay."

Tara pulled on a pair of scrubs from her bag and slipped into her tennis shoes. She had to go quickly- addicts can get violent. Of course, she could never imagine the tiny, chipper Willow doing much damage.

Despite her rational self telling her that the only reason Willow wanted her was because she'd had more contact with the girl than the other nurses, Tara couldn't help but feel a twinge of pride. Willow was calling for her. She had something that could calm Willow down, something the others didn't have. Pride, she realized, didn't even cut it.

She pulled into the parking lot and dashed inside, waving her badge at Security as she made her way to the rehab center. "Hey, I'm here."

"Thank goodness, Tara, come quick," Anya called, pulling Tara towards Willow's room. "We think she might do something to herself."

"Oh God, that's-"

"Yeah. You ready? It's intense in there."

"If you can't take the heat, don't become a chef, right?"

"Right! Get in there, then!" Anya patted her on the back. Tara opened the door.

"Willow?" She was greeted with a terrifying sight.

The girl was shaking violently and wracked with immense sobs. She was curled into a tight ball, but the skin that was visible was covered in messy, bloody scratches. She cried out, her volume varying from bloodcurdling screams to barely-audible whispers. "I can't. I can't do it. _I CAN'T! PLEASE!_ Please don't make me. Please. I can't. I need it, please. _PLEASE_!"

"Willow, honey, calm down. It's me. It's Nurse Maclay. But, uh, you can call me Tara. Willow, I need you to breathe, okay? Can you do that? Can you breathe with me?"

"Tara?" Willow looked up. Her face was contorted and covered, like the rest of her body, with scratches. "Tara, don't make me stop, please, I need it."

"Willow, you need to breathe. Can you do that?"

"No, please, no, I need-"

Tara held the girl. "You can do it, Willow, come on. Breathe and I can give you something to help."

"No, no, no, I need it, I need it."

"Willow, look at me." She pulled the girl's face up so that she could look straight into her wide, scared eyes. "You can do this, okay? You need to do it. For, uh, for Xander and Buffy. Those are their names, right?" Willow nodded. "Listen, Willow, they want you to get better, but you can't do that if you don't calm down."

" _Buffy, Xander_ ," Willow whispered.

"Yeah, that's right, they need you, Willow. They need you to calm down." Willow whimpered and curled tighter into Tara's embrace. "Do you want something to help you sleep?"

"Yeah," she whimpered.

"Okay, I'll go get-"

"No, stay, please."

"Oh. Okay." Tara looked up. "Anya? Can I get a major sleep aid in here?"

"Got it."

"Hear that, Willow? She's gonna get something. You can sleep soon."

"Okay, okay…"

"What can I do to make it feel better?"

"Could you tell me a story about you?"

"Oh, um, okay…" Tara scanned her brain for something to talk about. "When I was, uh, thirteen, I guess, I had a cat named Sparks." As Tara spoke, Anya came in with a syringe. Willow sobbed loudly when the needle pierced her skin, but Tara decided not to mention it. "Sparks was really, really stupid. And, uh, this one time, the glass fell out of our door, and it took a while to replace it. So Sparks, he found out that he could jump up onto the doorframe, right? He did that a lot. And then, when we finally replaced the glass, he jumped up and faceplanted right into the glass!" As Tara spoke, Willow dozed off, becoming limper and limper in the nurse's arms. "Good night, Willow."

-o0o-

"Thanks, Tara," Anya said, clapping her on the shoulder. "That was amazing- she wouldn't calm down for anyone!"

"Oh, it's probably because I helped her decorate this morning…"

"Yeah, I bet that's it. Too bad she tore those up."

"She did?"

"You didn't notice? They were ripped to shreds!"

"Oh…" _It was even worse than what I saw… Oh, God…_

-o0o-

Anya had spoken to Cordelia and gotten Tara the morning off, but she was back for midday meds. Her rounds passed by in a blur. She was lost in her worries about Willow. In her experience, one bad night could discourage even the most committed of patients. And Willow had had a very, very bad night.

Tara summoned her courage and entered Willow's room.

When she saw the shreds of the decorations on the walls and the despondent patient on the bed, Tara had to hold back a sob. Just twenty-four hours ago, those decorations, cheerful though they were, paled in comparison to the girl's spirit. Now the girl was nearly catatonic, curled up and facing away from the door, her limbs covered in bandages, and the decorations were ripped to shreds.

It was heartbreaking.

"Willow? I have your medication."

"You weren't here this morning." The voice was small and weak and lost and it sounded like its owner had been crying… but it was there.

"Yeah, they gave me the morning off."

"Oh. I kept you up. I'm-"

"Don't be sorry, Willow. I was glad to help. I still am."

"Okay…"

Tara gave Willow her medication and a cup of water. "How have you been feeling? Have you vomited lately?"

"I don't think there's anything left in me to vomit out."

"Willow! You've been eating haven't you?"

The girl didn't answer.

"Willow, you need to get your strength up."

She mumbled something, but Tara couldn't hear.

"What?"

Willow finally looked up at her, revealing tortured eyes. "I'm not worth it."

"Wi-"

"No, I'm not. I'm a hopeless case. I don't deserve-"

"Willow, you listen to me right now." Tara held the girl's scratched-up face in her hands. "You _do_ deserve it. You deserve everything good that I- er, we, at the hospital- can give you. You deserve it because you deserve to get better, Willow. Do you understand?"

Willow squirmed away and wiped her eyes. When she'd collected herself as best she could, she stared at the nurse. "Why me?"

"What do you mean?"

"None of the other nurses treat me the way you do. Why?"

Tara blushed. "I don't know… There's something about you, I guess. Something that makes me believe in you. Something that draws me to you."

Willow chuckled. "If we were in my old high school, people would say I put a spell on you."

"Oh?"

"Yeah. I was always carrying some Wicca book around- just for fun, of course. That stuff always interested me. But people started spreading rumors; you know how high school kids are."

"Ugh, I do…"

They laughed.

"I, uh, I need to do the rest of the-"

"Oh, yeah, I-"

"I'll be back later, though?"

"Please."

As Tara was leaving, she heard Willow's voice.

"You didn't stutter."

The nurse didn't turn around. "I guess I didn't."

-o0o-

Tara hadn't picked up her old guitar in ages, but that night, it nearly called to her. She stayed up all night, writing and picking out a tune:

_"I'm under your spell_

 _Nothing I can do_

 _

You just took my soul with you

You worked your charm so well

Finally, I knew

Everything I dreamed was true…"

_


	4. Chapter 4

Over the next few weeks, Tara learned more and more about Willow. And every day, she fell more and more in love.

Willow started off by telling her little things. She spoke about her friends. There was Xander, the goofball with a heart of gold, and there was Buffy, the martial arts expert with a penchant for bad boys. ("She tried to hook up with one of my old dealers, a guy called Spike. _That_ ended poorly!") She told Tara everything she knew about Wicca and how her mom freaked out when she found her books in her room.

Then Willow told Tara about high school. "I was a total nerd," she confessed one afternoon. "I even subbed for the Computer Tech teacher while she was on maternity leave when I was a junior! And I wore the dorkiest clothes. Like, these stupid sack dresses- and overalls." Her demeanor was suddenly sad and serious. "If you'd seen me during high school, you'd have no idea I'd be a junkie…"

Tara placed a comforting hand on her shoulder. "It just means you're capable of change. Think about how much more of it you have inside of you."

Willow looked away, but Tara could still see her smile.

-o0o-

"Tara, you play guitar, right?"

"Well, I-"

"Well, the musical therapist cancelled short-notice. His wife is giving birth or something," Cordelia interrupted. "You're the only nurse around here who has any musical talent- aside from me, of course, but I'm busy. I really need you to fill in."

"Oh… I guess I could…"

"Great. He left his instruments here, thank goodness, so go ahead and set up."

Tara nodded. In high school, this might possibly have been her worst nightmare. But now, her nerves were mixed with excitement; Willow's favorite part of her actual therapy was the one night a week when the musical therapist came.

"Oh, I'm terrible at all of that stuff," she had told Tara once. "But it's fun, you know?"

Willow filed in with the rest of the patients and raised an eyebrow when she saw her favorite nurse clutching the old, beat-up guitar and sitting at the front of a circle of chairs. Tara shrugged and smiled sheepishly.

"Hi, everyone," Tara said as the last of the patients took a seat. "I'm filling in for Andrew tonight. Uh, I hope you aren't too disappointed. I haven't played in a while, so bear with me…"

Strumming a few tentative chords, she started to play. The patients smiled as they recognized Oasis' "Wonderwall." Next, she played the few Green Day songs she knew. The patients seemed to appreciate the songs, playing along even when they didn't know their part, and Willow gave her a thumbs-up every time. The first fifty minutes of the hour flew by, but with ten minutes to kill, Tara realized she'd run out of songs. The hospital was on a fairly strict schedule to maintain a sense of normalcy, and though Tara thought she could get away with ending the session a few minutes early, she knew she had some time to kill.

There was only one thing she could do. Taking a deep breath and avoiding eye contact with anyone- especially Willow- she began playing her own song.

A silence fell over the circle of patients as Tara played and sang, but the nurse refused to look up, afraid that someone might be able to tell that she had written the melody for one among their number.

When she was done, there was a moment of what Tara felt to be pure tension. Then one patient- a male, by the sound of it- cheered, breaking the floodgate. A wave of applause washed over the nurse, but when she finally looked up, she couldn't even spot Willow.

"I, uh, I think we can call that a night."

Tara rushed through putting away all of the instruments and fled off in search of Willow. She found her in her room. A confused expression adorned her face.

"Wi-"

"That was for me, wasn't it?"

"…Yeah."

Willow stared at her as if she was a puzzle she couldn't figure out. "Why? Why me?"

"Because you're beautiful and smart and funny and absolutely fascinating," Tara said earnestly.

"I'm not-"

"You are, Willow, and no one can convince me otherwise." Tara sat in front of Willow on the bed. "You're amazing, Willow. I haven't ever met anyone like you."

"Really?" Willow's eyes were huge pools, a mixture of disbelief and a longing that went deep down into her soul.

Tara cupped her hands around the girl's face, a gesture of confidence. "Really."

There was a moment when Willow pulled away, making a sound halfway between a sob and a laugh. She shook her head, then met Tara's eyes as though searching for any hint of deception. Finding none, she used both hands to pull Tara close by the front of her scrubs and kiss her.

Tara almost protested; kissing a patient _definitely_ created a conflict of interest. But she could bear to tear herself away from something she'd wanted for so long. So she kissed back, wrapping her arms around Willow and bringing her as close as physically possible.

What tore her away was the feeling of Willow stiffening from inside her embrace. The girl's eyes were locked on a point behind Tara, and the nurse had to turn to see what was going on.

Cordelia's shocked eyes met hers.


	5. Chapter 5

Tara felt like a little kid being sent to the principal's office. Cordelia was practically shaking with rage, pacing behind her desk.

"Cordi, I-"

"You were _making out with a patient_ , Tara," the head nurse hissed. "You violated protocol. You created a conflict of interest. Tara, do you have any idea what kind of situation you've put me in, having to punish one of my best nurses when we're so understaffed?"

Tara slumped in her seat and stared at her own folded hands. "I'm so sorry."

Cordelia sighed and sat down. "No, I know. Like I said, you're a good nurse, Tara. In fact, I'm kind of surprised you haven't had some big scandal yet; you're almost too good. I shouldn't be freaking out this much, but it's been a stressful week around here."

Tara kept quiet.

"Let me give it to you straight: I can probably get you transferred to another unit with little blowback, but you've got to stop seeing Rosenberg until she gets out, okay?"

As hard as staying away from Willow would be, Tara had to accept the terms. Work was tight around Sunnydale and she couldn't afford to be jobless.

Before Tara could leave the office, Cordelia stopped her, putting a hand on her shoulder. "Tara, I had to do this as your boss. But as your friend… God, Tara, of all the patients here, why'd it have to be that one?"

"Wh-what do you mean?" Tara's heart was sinking.

"She's not- she doesn't-" Cordi shook her head. "No, never mind, I-"

Tara straightened up and looked the head nurse straight in the eye, appearing as though she was ready to go for the jugular. "Cordelia, what's wrong with Willow?"

"She's not committed to recovery," Cordelia finally confessed. "She closes up in all her therapy sessions and won't even try to get better. Frankly, Tara… I don't think she'll be ready to get out of here for a long time."

Tara couldn't believe her ears. Not committing? Closing up? That wasn't the Willow that Tara knew. _Her_ Will had been open, and though she hadn't talked much about her drug use, Tara had had a feeling that in a few more days…

"Cordi, do you realize what this means?" Tara asked, distraught. "You can't make me leave now- she was talking to me! I could help her! You can't take me away from her- I'm the one she needs right now!"

Tara was crying. She hadn't realized how much Willow needed her until it was too late. If only she hadn't been so stupid and reckless, she might have been able to help Willow get out of rehab and start living a life not dictated by cravings and needles.

Cordelia wrapped her arms around her colleague. "It's okay. She'll get better, Tara, I promise. I'll make sure of it, and so will she. She's strong, right? She'll be out of here before you know it."

Tara nodded against Cordelia's shoulder. Cordi stepped back, keeping her hands on Tara's upper arms. "I'll go talk to Willow and tell her what's going on, okay? You need to get to work right away to make sure the hospital doesn't see the need to discipline you any more. You'll be in the children's wing; they have a nurse there willing to transfer."

All Tara could do was accept her fate.

-o0o-

Cordelia entered Willow Rosenberg's room and stood right next to the girl's bed, towering over her.

"I'm sorry I-" Willow began.

"An apology won't cut it, Miss Rosenberg," Cordelia said sternly. "I've lost one of my best nurses to the children's floor because of what happened. She's not allowed to so much as write a Facebook post about you until you get out of here, you understand?"

Willow nodded.

"Miss Rosenberg, I don't know why, but I am well aware that you are not responding to therapy in a way that would indicate that you are willing to try to get better. Maybe you didn't have the motivation to do so before. Now you do." Softening her tone, Cordelia crouched slightly so that she was closer to the patient's level. "I'm truly sorry, but this is the way it has to be. There are regulations, Miss Rosenberg, and no one, not even you and Tara, is exempt from them."

-o0o-

As the head nurse left her room, Willow lost herself to thought.

She'd never figured that therapy would do a lick of good for her. All her time as a junkie, she'd been well aware that she was a lost cause. Any effort these therapists and counselors used on her would be wasted, and she'd never thought she was worth it.

Tara, on the other hand, was worth all that and more.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Handing the story over to Willow for a little bit!

When Willow needed something, she could be a surprisingly good actress.

Over the next couple weeks, she did everything the counselors told her to without complaint and spoke up regularly in sessions. To all the world it looked as though Willow Rosenberg was finally making a commitment to being drug-free.

In reality, though, it felt a lot like school. Willow memorized the right answers for the test and forgot them when they were no longer needed. She didn't care about anything but getting out and seeing Tara again.

-o0o-

A little over two weeks after she'd been caught with Tara, Willow was declared free to go. The hospital returned what she'd entered with and she was released into the care of her best friend and emergency contact, Buffy Summers.

Tucked inside her personal belongings was a note that Willow suspected was written by the head nurse. On the note was a phone number, and underneath, two words were scrawled:

_Tara's cell_

-o0o-

"So, Will, who is he?" Buffy probed as she and Willow rode with Xander to Buffy's house.

"What?" asked Willow absently. The girl was staring at the note with Tara's number as though it was the most fascinating book she'd ever read.

"Well, obviously you've met someone," Buffy replied. "You're going all gooey. Tell me who he is!"

The meaning of Buffy's words finally hit Willow. She thought she was in love with someone. A male someone.

"Oh, he, uh, he's no one!"

"Don't give me that! Come on, I wanna hear about him!"

"Yeah, me too!" Xander piped up. "I gotta make sure he's good enough for my Wills!"

"Okay. _He_ , uh, is a nurse at the hospital. Really nice. Plays guitar. Wrote me a song, actually."

"Awwww! That's so sweet!" cried Buffy.

"Yeah. I want to call h- _him_ tonight, make sure _he_ knows I'm back home, safe and sound."

"We'd love to meet him sometime," Buffy gushed.

"Yeah. Yeah, I'm sure you would."

-o0o-

As soon as they'd arrived at Buffy's house, Willow excused herself to the bathroom. She wanted a decent shower- the ones in the hospital were never very satisfying- but she also wanted to call Tara in a place where she wouldn't be overheard. She turned the shower on before dialing.

"Tara?"

"Willow! You're out?"

"Yeah, I'm with my friend, Buffy. She says I can stay as long as I want."

"That's great, Will! When can I come see you?"

"Uh… I don't-"

"Please tell me I can see you tonight! I've missed you so much!"

"I don't know if that would be such a good idea…"

"Why not? Afraid your friends might not like me?" Tara asked jokingly.

"Well, you might not be exactly what they expect… I, uh, kind of told them you were a guy…"

"Why would- oh. _Oh_."

"Yeah."

A moment of silence.

"Hey, Will, I have an idea. Tell me where you are, and I promise I won't let your friends see me."

"Okay."

-o0o-

That night, Willow ushered her friends off to bed as soon as she could. It was pretty easy- she just told them she was getting tired and they all decided to turn in for the night.

Just past 10:30, she heard a rap on her window. She rushed over and opened it, letting Tara climb through.

"Hi," Tara said breathlessly.

"Hi," Willow whispered back.

The two shared a kiss.

"I can't believe you're out already, Willow! I'm so proud of you!"

Willow looked away. "I just wanted to see you again."

"Well, now you've got me." Tara smiled mischievously. "What do you wanna do with me?"

Willow giggled. "I think… I think I just want to be _with_ you…"

Tara grasped Willow tightly. "I have no problem with that.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’ve posted some things on my Tumblr (fifty-shadesofgay) about my plans for this fic. Basically, it’s getting close to the finish line, but I’m not very sure how close, chapter-wise. It should, however, be done before August 9, or when I go back to school.

With Tara and her history, Willow guessed she should have expected the events of the next morning.

Buffy edged the door open, carrying a tray with an array of breakfast foods. “Good morning, Will! I didn’t know what you wanted, so I just made-” Buffy broke off with a gasp, nearly dropping the tray. “Willow… who’s that?”

Willow was still groggy, even as adrenaline struggled through the haze of being abruptly woken from the best sleep she’d had in years. Tara was quicker. She leapt off the bed, grabbing her sweater and only jerking to an awkward halt when she realized jumping out the window wasn’t a viable option. Buffy’s eyes widened at a sudden memory.

“You’re the nurse I talked to the night we f-found Willow.”

Tara sighed. “Yes, I am.”

“Why were you spooning my best friend?”

“I, uh, well, Ms. Summers, er, ah, Buffy, I was, um, I-” 

Willow finally stood and walked over to put a hand on Buffy’s shoulder. “Buff, maybe we should talk- just you and me…”

Tara cast a nervous glance over towards Willow. “Are you sure you don’t want me here?”

“Can you-” Willow turned to Buffy. “Can she stay downstairs?”

Buffy glanced at Tara through narrowed eyes. “…Okay.”

Tara nodded and shrugged past Buffy, making herself small.

Once the nurse was out of the room, Buffy rounded on Willow. “Spill.”

Willow sat back down on the bed, and Buffy did the same. Then Willow explained everything, starting from that first day and going through to Cordelia finding them together, sharing their first kiss. 

When her friend was done, Buffy shook her head. “I thought you said you met a _guy_.”

“Yeah, well, I was afraid of how you’d react…” Willow was curled into a ball, her chin tucked behind her knees.

“Honestly, Will, I don’t know _how_ to react, now!”

Willow met Buffy’s eyes, her expression beseeching. “Might I suggest feeling happy for me?”

Buffy paused, then shook her head, standing up and running a hand through her hair. “I need to think,” she said, leaving Willow alone with the tray of food.

Willow didn’t feel much like eating.

-o0o-

The next few days were awful. Willow and Tara decided it would be best if the latter didn’t sneak in, at least until Buffy had had time to adjust. They still talked on the phone, but Willow missed seeing and touching Tara. 

Buffy was distant. She barely spoke to Willow, and when she did it was to answer in the negative to any of Willow’s pleas for a task to do to help around the house. 

Xander was better, but also, in a way, worse. He was, after the initial shock, genuinely happy for his friend. If he ran into Willow while she was speaking to Tara on the phone, he would be sure to give her a quick “hello.” But sometimes, when he thought Willow wasn’t looking, Willow could see him imagining, see the wheels turning. Xander had an expressive face, and Willow had known him long enough to be able to pick up on the little nuances. She could tell when he was thinking about sex.

He always looked guilty a moment or two after the initial fantasy wandered into his mind, but Willow still felt unsettled, especially because, in reality, she and Tara hadn’t done anything that could rightly be considered sexual. 

Everyone, she felt, was slipping away.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Minor self harm triggers in this chapter…
> 
> Also, this is the last chapter before the epilogue! I hope you like it!

One night, Willow couldn’t take it anymore. She hated feeling like she was unwanted and useless and being punished for god knows what reason. She was shaking, curled up in her bed and craving a hit.

Finally, the rage and need bubbling up inside her overflowed. She grabbed some shoes and a jacket and snuck away- an easy task, as Buffy and Xander were already asleep. 

Willow headed straight to the alley near the supermarket, where she knew Spike, an old dealer, liked to hang out with his creepy girlfriend. As she walked, her shaking got worse and worse, and she started crying gently. She nearly sprinted the last few sidewalk squares, but when she turned around the corner-

“ _NO!_ ” she sobbed.

Spike wasn’t there, and neither was his creepy girlfriend. 

_It’s okay, Willow, Angel’s probably around here somewhere. Find him._

Willow tried a couple of Angel’s favorite spots, but she found nothing. 

It was nearly four in the morning when Willow collapsed into a shivering, sobbing heap in a vacant lot near the supermarket she’d searched first. She couldn’t take the craving any longer. She needed a hit, and she needed it now. Her nails burrowed themselves into the flesh of her arms until they drew blood and she moaned miserably. 

She didn’t know what would come next, but until she figured out, she couldn’t find the courage to stand up and walk home.

-o0o-

Tara was surprised to get a call that morning, just after meds. 

“Tara?” asked the voice at the end of the line, which sounded panicked.

“Yes? Who is this?”

“Tara, this is Buffy. Willow’s gone. I can’t find her.”

“Oh my god.” Cold shock ran through Tara. “Where can I meet you? I’ll be there as soon as I can find someone to take my shift.”

“We’re searching around the dog park right now. Please come quick.”

“I will. Don’t worry, Buffy, we’ll find her.”

-o0o-

It took some begging, but Cordelia finally let Tara go. Five minutes later, she, Buffy, and Xander were combing every inch of the park. 

“I don’t think she’s here,” Xander called. “We should look somewhere else.”

“Yeah, good idea,” replied Tara. “We should look for places where her dealers hang out. Maybe we should split up, too.”

“Okay,” said Buffy, who had been wide-eyed with frantic fear the entire time they were searching. 

Tara thought for a moment, trying to remember everything Willow had told her. 

“Okay, um, I think Willow told me about one of her dealers hanging out near the Ralph’s. Buffy, you go there. I’ll check out the alley near the post office. Xander, you go back to your house in case she comes back, okay?” Everyone nodded and hurried away to their respective locations.

-o0o-

Willow’s sobbing had subsided, but the shivers continued. She couldn’t drift off into sleep, but she couldn’t move from where she was, so she had just curled into a ball and stared at the sky.

A voice reached her. It was Buffy’s, she could tell. She caught the end of a sentence. “-found her, come quick!”

Then Buffy’s arms were around her, pulling into a sitting position. “Willow! Thank god! I was so worried!”

“Really?” Willow hissed. Buffy pulled back to look at her properly.

“Of course! Why wouldn’t I be! You’re my best friend!”

“Didn’t act much like it,” Willow mumbled. 

Guilt washed over Buffy’s face. “Oh, god, Will, I’m so sorry! I guess… I guess I was just mad that you felt you couldn’t tell me about Tara. That was stupid and petty and wrong, Will, I’m so sorry.”

Buffy hugged Willow again, and this time, she melted into her. Then, Tara’s voice called out.

“Willow?” Tara sprinted to Willow’s side. Buffy scooted away to make room for the nurse, who immediately checked Willow up and down. “Those scratches will need to be disinfected, but other than that… Oh, Will!” Willow snuggled into Tara’s arms. Neither of them heard Xander’s footsteps on the gravel. Tara was murmuring Willow’s name over and over, like a chant, and Willow could only concentrate on getting herself as close to Tara as possible. Finally, Tara whispered into the other girl’s shoulder, “I love you, Will.”

Willow looked up, disbelieving. “Really?”

“Yeah.”

“I love you, too.”

Tara and Willow gripped each other tightly. Xander cleared his throat.

“Hey, I’m here too, remember?”

Willow and Tara separated. Willow stood and embraced Xander tightly. Before she moved away, she whispered, “If you make perv-eyes around me one more time, I swear to god I’ll use your balls as my Christmas decorations.”

Xander nodded gravely. “Note taken.”

They broke away. Willow took Tara’s hand, and the four of them walked to the nearby diner to get some pancakes. There, Willow would fall asleep on Tara’s shoulder. None of them would have the heart to wake her, so they would simply box up both Willow’s and Tara’s pancakes and wait for the former to wake up.


	9. Epilogue

Things after that would be, generally, good. Of course, she would still have bad nights, but she could always call Tara to calm her down.

“I’m here, Will. I won’t let anything bad happen to you,” she would promise.

Even during the times when she wouldn’t call Tara, when she would forget about calling Tara and have one foot out the door, the thought of being sent back to the hospital and being denied access to her girlfriend would pull her back.

That’s the way it would go. Even decades later, Tara could still pull her back. 

Soon after the incident in the abandoned lot behind the Ralph’s, Willow would move in with Tara. She would get a small job at a bookstore, a job she would love. Tara would continue her work in the rehab facility, a job she would continue to love. Many nights, they would hang out with Buffy and Xander.

Willow would celebrate one year, then two, and then many, many more of being heroin-free. It would never cease to be an amazing feeling.

Tara and Willow would be the real deal. They would stay together through bad nights, good nights, promotions, pay cuts, fights, making up, and so much more. They would always be by each other’s side. And every night, they would get to come home to each other.

It would never cease to be an amazing feeling.


End file.
